In fact, I’m exactly where I started at. 152.

On the upside, here are some things I’ve learned-

• 130 just isn’t a reality for me. I can beat myself up about not meeting my goal, or I can deal with the fact that my body is different than it was 10 years ago.  Despite the fact i’m still about 12-15 pounds over what I need to be, 130 just isn’t ideal. I would feel as bad about myself at that weight as I do now, simply because it would be a constant challenge for me to stay at that weight. What fun is that?
• An opportunity to be with friends, laughing over margaritas is always going to trump the gym. That doesn’t mean that I can’t suggest that every other time we want to get together that we go to the park and walk or ride bikes. Still time together, just maybe a bit smarter on the hips.
• What you eat really does make all the difference in how you feel, and how you will feel.  I’ve learned this from my addiction to my high fiber cereal, new love for spinach, and craving for water. The shitty foods I eat sometimes make me feel so bad that it just isn’t worth it.  I really try to live by healthy eating rules for myself, and although it frustrates me that the weight isn’t coming off just due to the change in my diet alone, I do feel like I’m making the right choices for my future.  Something I’ve been thinking quite a lot about since the recent diagnosis of my father.
• A month ago I finally gave away my “skinny clothes”.  Clothes that not only did I spend quite a bit of money on, but clothes that I LOVED. They were all sizes 6 and 8.  Yeahhhhh. Having them around just made me more frustrated. so,  i channeled stacy and clinton, and started buying clothes for my body NOW, not for my body circa 2003.
• Stop whining about the things you just can’t change, appreciate and accentuate the good. My thighs are big… always have been, probably always will be. My two top ribs stick out my torso for no apparent reason. Guess what- can’t move those around. But I have a nice small chest and as long as I’m lifting light weights, pretty nice arms. Ok. so bring on the sun-dresses with thigh coverage. At 30, I have more important things to focus on than whining that I’ll never look like Zooey Deschanel from that cotton commercial.  Damn that girl in her shorts and high heels.
• Laziness only gets you where you started.

In hindsight, I wish I wouldn’t have been so lazy. If  I would’ve just exercised or even walked for 30 minutes to an hour each day, I could’ve been down 10 pounds. That pisses me off.  But it’s my disappointed and I own that.

My beach vacation with Jeremy starts on May 8th. So now  my biggest priority is just trying to keep up the exercise and eating before then, so when I go swimsuit shopping in three weeks (round 2),  it won’t be the hell it was this week.  Or at least, I’ll be in a more positive state of mind.  I can deal with a fatty party dress this weekend. I can’t deal with a swim-skirt. Not yet, at least.

Thanks for hanging in on the little ride. I think I might keep this site up for awhile, at least until my vacation. Fingers crossed for a little scale action!

You can find me over here after that.

xoxoxo,

April

My dad is sick, has been for a while, and unfortunately, it’s not getting better. I’m going back home to Nashville for a week starting tomorrow. On Monday, I’ll join my mom and dad at a Nephrologist where his kidneys will be biopsied. They’ll either say he’s eligible for dialysis or that they’ll skip to a transplant.

I am scared. I feel helpless. But I’m trying to keep my head in the right place… that is, AFTER doing the following google searches:

I’ve promised myself no more searches until after Monday’s appointment. I’m also trying to make a commitment to myself that I’ll try to be as upbeat as possible around my dad this weekend. Today was the first time in my life I heard him express fear. It crushed me.

me: “dad, i’m really scared over here.”  dad: “i am too, april.”

four words i never wanted to hear him say.

so, i’ll continue to be MIA this week while I’m home. send the best thoughts and/or prayers over our if you can. promise i’ll return the favor one day.

oh! and my pal brandy did the math, if my kidney goes, that 1/4 of a pound i’ll lose. weight off and dad lives. win/win.

For quite sometime now I’ve been in the middle of an “it’s complicated” relationship status with meat. Before you start throwing rotten bbq scraps at me, please let me clarify.  I love meat. Looooooooove it. Bacon, burgers, ribs, filet’s, fried chicken, sausage, bolognese sauce… must I continue? However, several months ago a little documentary called Food, Inc. came out. I watched a whole 15 minute preview until I just couldn’t take it anymore. So I took that movie preview memory, put it in an old Keds shoebox, and threw it far back into the closet, right underneath the tacky easter wreath.  Whew. That was a relief.  Now where’s my steak?

Just when I thought it was all stashed away, a little article here and there about factory farms and chicken breasts plum full of antibiotics were popping up in my women’s health and google reader (NOT MY GOOGLE READER! ATTACK! ATTACK!) left and right.  Those articles then led to me being a bit more obnoxious at the meat counter. “Is this free-range? Organic? Was it ever frozen?” And- BAM!! – I became one of “those” people. Ugh.  So, I switched to only buying meats at Whole Foods where I wasn’t an obnoxious shopper, in fact, quiet the opposite- obnoxiousness is an expectation!  Also an expectation is bringing your reusable grocery sacks or face the wrath of middle aged  scary hippie lesbian woman . Jeremy and I now own about 42 reusable grocery sacks.

So over the past month, I’ve gradually become more and more weird about eating meat and slowly remembering all the feelings and process I went through when I was a vegetarian from 2001-2003 due to an unfortunate hot dog incident (you don’t want to know).  I’ve still been ordering meat at restaurants, really REALLY hoping that this time I won’t be weird. After the food arrives, though, I spend 30 minutes tearing  my chicken breast into shreds while the rest of our friends look at Jeremy- “dude. did you bring the 4 year old?”

A few days ago I hit my peak. I ordered my favorite delivery Chinese carry-out meal (sesame chicken) and tried not to think weirdo thoughts about how the chicken was probably so fat, pumped with hormones, that it’s genetically engineered chicken legs couldn’t even walk its fat little chicken ass across the dirty chicken house.  The cutie pie delivery guy came, dropped off my delicious meal, I arranged it on my pretty lil plate, soy sauce to the max, wine poured, bachelor on the tivo- what could be better?!

And then…  I couldn’t eat it.  In fact, I was gagging.

So that’s that. I can’t keep wasting food, and the process of trying to figure out if I can stomach meat is exhausting to me. It’s finally not worth it. So, to give myself a break from thinking way too much about it, and to give Jeremy a break from the annoying “i don’t know if I can eat this” remark he’s heard a zillion times in the last 3 months, I’m simply stopping.  From now until my birthday, I’m going to give up red meat and chicken and just stick with fish, tofu and veggie based proteins. I’m going to try to follow some other rules from Michael Pollen’s new book and really try to figure out what my brain and stomach can handle.

This weekend I felt so sad by the thought of bacon being out of my life for a while, I actually pictured a mini-funeral for it. Me, throwing a little handful of dirty over the center-cut bacon package, crying at the grave of my dear dear friend and life partner.  My best hope is that I’ll be able to put the weirdness behind me someday, and a resurrection will occur, but for now, I just have to go with it. I don’t think my body will let me do any less.

And before you even start to consider that I might turn into a smug-type vegetarian… jigga please. i expect nothing less than for you to hold up the chicken skewer fort for me.

The one notable thing I’m starting to think about is making better choices with food. I know when I eat out, I simply make bad choices. Not to mention, I just don’t know what’s in the food unless I order something simple like a salad. So monday, my pal Jeff and I had plans to get breakfast and that morning. If we went out I knew I’d be tempted with a fat stack of pancakes, bacon, mimosas, so on.  So instead, Jeff came over and I made a nice fruit plate, whole wheat waffles and veggie sausage which was surprisingly not so bad.  It was nice saving money and knowing exactly what I was eating as well.

Exercise has been a combination of the gym, free weights and machine weights, but this week I added something new- Jillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred.  After spending an insane amount of time reading the reviews over on amazon, I decided to netflix it and try it out. Nothing to lose except for 20 minutes, and how much could a little DVD hurt you in 20 silly measly minutes?   Five minutes in I was whispering obscenities at her through my panting and going to the bathroom to do that nasty spit thing that happens when you exercise too hard. Yeah.  BUT – I finished it. Yay!

Immediately after I felt like I was going to die and really needed fresh air, I decided to take a little jog in the cold to meet Jeremy at the train station.  That was fun until he was late. 15 trains come and gone later and there I was in the freezing ass cold waiting, looking like a douche, doing jumping jacks to stay warm.  I even got the “idiot” look from the security gaurd.  He finally arrived and when we got home, the pain struck. Shaky weird legs and my arms felt jelloish. Like I didn’t know if I could lift my dinner plate.  So weak.

And now- I’m sick from the jog in the cold, couching it up, watching a lifetime amount of HGTV. BUT, when I feel better, hopefully tomorrow, it’s back to the gym and the shred.  As much as Jillians little smirks just really annoy me, I can see how the workout is good. I like that the exercises include old school basics like jumping jacks and push ups.  I don’t like that it’s so clear how out of shape I’ve allowed myself to become, and if there’s anything about the shred i can say- it will clearly put it out there that no, in fact you have no abs. it’s true.

Weight: 150 (as of Monday)

yesterday, the gym chick said hello to me by name when i scanned in and made me want to jump over that desk and kiss her right on her trainer lips.

so, as scared as i am to do it, i’m taking the night off. i’m worried it will cause me to not want to go back tomorrow, but that’s just something i can’t allow. it’s all about balance, and tonight I really need to catch up on some work, have a glass of wine and chill with my boo. tomorrow- back to the regime.

weight from monday: 152

Friday night:

D: Rackhouse Pub, a burger (I know) BUT! with a mixed greens salad. Mojito (awful) and a taster size of their house distilled whiskey (yum)

Saturday:

B: cereal, yogurt, banana, coffee

L: 2 shredded beef tacos, chips and pico from small taco stand

D: mixed greens salad with 1/2 baked chicken breast. 1 sweet tea vodka w/ lemonade

Sunday:

B: French toast made with damn good farmers market bread (i’ll be writing more about this on the other blog later), strawberries and oranges

L: Panera cup of chicken and wild rice w/ slice of bread

Snack: mac and cheese from panera (i’ve been wanting to try, over-rated)

Dinner: Slice of Pizza and another side mixed greens salad with plain walnuts. glass of red wine.

Overall, not bad but not great. I’m still basking in the glow of foregoing fries for a salad, cause that’s a really REALLY big deal for me. But you know, I had it with a small shot of whiskey…

So- when I think about why I have a little more bootay than I’d like,  and when I’m really honest with myself, it’s because 1) I’m not active enough/lazy/don’t get the exercise I need to burn off the bread and EVOO I shove in my mouth and 2) I don’t eat enough greens. I think everything can safely fall into one of those two categories.  And you know, nothing really sums it up like this photo of what my nightstand looks like right now:

two items in particular i’d like to briefly point out.

1) southern living cookbook

2) Tupperware container of tollhouse cookies…. ON THE NIGHTSTAND.

the end.

Jeremy told me a few days ago that Jerry Seinfeld (random) uses this method to make sure he’s on top of his exercise game. Posts big calendars and marks a big red X on the days he doesn’t exercise. This way it’s right in his face that he accomplished nothing.  So- here I go!  As you can see- I’m not doing awesome so far which is absolutely ridiculous.  Thank God for Jeremy doing what I requested and pushing me to get off my ass, or Monday would’ve been a big red ‘X’, too.

Alright- let’s do it.  Less than 3 months until my birthday. Less than a month until skiing Vail with Misty.

Got. To. Lose. This. Back fat!

Weight: you’ve got to be kidding me.

Ok, back to the Biggest Loser. So as always I was blown away seeing how these bodies had completely transformed in ways I never thought would be possible.  I don’t think there was one person this year that didn’t succeed in a major way.  Danny and Rudy’s transformations were absolutely insane.  They looked amazing, but part of me wonders what their bodies will “settle” into as they get home and aren’t fighting for $250K.

Last month Kim wrote a great post that I really identified with.  I look up to Kim’s attitude about fitness and lifestyle.  She works out regularly, and is aware of what she eats, but she also doesn’t torture herself by not cooking the yummy the enchilada lasagna.  I figured out a long time ago that there are certain things I just can’t give up.  I will always choose the mint chocolate chip milkshake over the single scoop.  No way in hell will I give up the side of buttered bread. And if there is a plate of cookies when I’m in the Nashville office, you better step aside.  However- I make a solid effort everyday to get away from awful foods- and I’ll tell ya, it’s a battleground in my head.  The war against the Arby’s less than a mile from my house is in full force anytime I have to drive in that direction. Sometimes, I even make myself drive an entirely longer route just to avoid the agony of rolling past curly fries.

After a couple of months of “doing better” at going to the gym, but still not really dedicated, I remain at 151.  I’m wondering what it’s really gonna take to push me to be excited about working out.  Is it ever going to happen? Is it going to be in losing 5 pounds that will get me into those jeans? Or maybe the fact that I see my dads blood pressure medicine and inability to change his diet literally destroying his kidneys. I don’t need to be skinny, but I really do want to be healthy.  How do I stop the lazy? What’s my breaking point?

Oh, by the way, Jeremy ordered the Biggest Loser DVD for me. Ha!

Thankfully,  it showed very little of my mid-section, and was to my surprise, wasn’t such an awful of a photo! In fact- this was taken when I was spinning my ass off (literally) and feeling great. I was around 135 at the time, and that was in 2005. It was the smallest I’ve been in 7 years.

I told Rebecca I was fairly certain I still had those jeans and I was going to try them on. So- here they are on me now! I erupted with laughter. They actually hurt when I forced them over my thighs.

So yeah. Things change. I’m not going to say I’ll ever fit into those again, and that’s ok by me.

For now, I just want to fit into these jeans I bought a little over a year ago:

I’m not even sure why I bought them.  At the time I could have lost about 2 or 3 pounds and they would’ve instantly become my “good butt jeans”. But I didn’t lose 2 or 3 pounds. I gained 10 and they have sat in my closet ever since.

My goal for the next month is to fit into these Lucky’s size 12.  Well.. let me clarify. I want to be able to not just zip them up, but also sit down, breathe properly, and cross my legs. Is that too much to ask, jean fairy?

Happy Thanksgiving to you.

-April